Reclaiming Power in the Face of Emotional Pain
Client Background:
This client was a university lecturer in his late 40s, separated from his former wife, with whom he shared a daughter. On the surface, he was intelligent, articulate, and respected in his field. But behind the scenes, he carried deep emotional pain that touched every area of his life. He came to me because of one specific dynamic: he felt incredibly small in the presence of his ex-wife.
The problem:
Every interaction with her left him feeling diminished, as though he had no voice, no value. The way she spoke to him, looked at him, responded to him, all seemed to confirm his inner experience: “I’m not worthy. I’m not enough.” And because they shared parenting responsibilities, he couldn’t just avoid her. Their regular contact became a constant trigger. This emotional burden didn’t stay contained, he carried it into his work, into his relationships, and into his own sense of self-worth.
He described her as mean, sharp, and emotionally overpowering. He felt as if she could sense his weakness and use it against him. But he had no idea what to do about it. He had tried being polite, understanding, even distant. Nothing worked. He still felt powerless.
The deeper cause:
As we worked together, what slowly came into focus was this: the problem wasn’t just her behavior, it was the unresolved pain he held inside. The real issue wasn’t even her “meanness”, it was his inability to stay present with the emotional pain that got activated in her presence.
What he had interpreted as her making him feel small was, in truth, his own unprocessed emotional wound being touched. And because he couldn’t hold it, he collapsed into it. That collapse is what made him feel small, not her words alone.
This insight changed everything. He realized that his pain had been in control of his experience, not her. And if he could learn to feel and hold that pain instead of avoiding it, the dynamic could shift entirely.
The turning point:
So that’s exactly what we did. Together, we worked with the emotional pain, not conceptually, but directly. He learned to meet the deep feelings of hurt, shame, and powerlessness that lived inside him. He learned to stay with them in his body, without turning away.
As he became more emotionally stable on the inside, something remarkable began to happen: his external world changed.
The result:
He told me: “It’s strange. My ex-wife suddenly stopped yelling at me. She doesn’t talk down to me anymore. It’s like she doesn’t even see me the same way. It’s as if, because I don’t feel small anymore, she can’t treat me like I am.”
Her tone changed. Her energy changed. And, most importantly, his experience changed. He no longer felt like a victim in her presence. He was grounded, clear, and calm. He could finally meet her at eye level, with dignity.
And with that shift, his entire life began to transform. He no longer carried the weight of shame into his work. He felt more self-assured in professional and social settings. He had more energy. More clarity. More self-respect.
This is a powerful example of what happens when we stop trying to fix external problems, and instead recognize the emotional patterns within us that allow those problems to persist.
When we heal inside, the outside adjusts, often without force or effort.
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Albuquerque NM 87110
United States
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